Sunrise, Sunset

We have been getting along well with one another, apart from my occasional outbursts when I get angry about the other woman. It has emerged that I was right all along he has spent a lot of our money on her. So far, he says it is around £600.00. My guess is that it's a conservative estimate and it was probably more, maybe as much as £1,000.00. We could have gone on a fantastic cruise to celebrate our silver wedding anniversary with that amount of money.

What I fail to understand is, and now he has admitted this, is that he gave her £100.00 of our money after only knowing her for a couple of weeks! This was because she was going out with her friends and he felt sorry for her, so gave her money to buy herself clothes.

We went for our first couples' counselling session this week and the counsellor asked why I kept going on about that issue, why was it so important to me? I replied: "Because usually he is such a tight ar**!"

During the session he was the one who continually broke down, not me. I went through a lot of heartache during the first couple of months and now he is finally realising the consequence of his actions. I have been giving him pages of the journal I kept during that time to read. It has hit him like a ton of bricks. He honestly thought because I was so in control when he visited that I wasn't hurting. He didn't see the tears when he left, me knowing he was telling me he loved me and going back to her.

In my mind she was some sort of goddess. She had something I didn't have or couldn't give him. Yet, the opposite now appears to be the truth. In the end, it became as if she was the wife and I was the mistress. Well it's often said, when a man takes a mistress it creates a vacancy.

I still can't say for sure whether the counselling and everything will be with a view to us starting over again or ending the relationship. The only thing I can say is when the counsellor handed us a pen and paper each and asked us to write down what we wanted out of counselling, what our goals were, we both wrote similar things. At the top of both our lists was about making me number one in the relationship. I don't mean about making me more important than him but him not putting other things before me as he always has in the past.

Last night I was listening and uploading the song 'The Way We Were' sang by Barbra Streisand, from You Tube. As I listened, I read what someone had posted there about how when their grandmother died they found several music boxes at her home, each playing that song. She had never got over the divorce from her husband and that's why she bought the music boxes. That made me cry thinking back to our lives together. Thirty years of knowing one another and bringing up our children. Thirty years of laughter and tears. I picked up my mobile phone and was about to text him: "You broke my heart" when at that exact moment it rang. I answered and realised it was him, he wanted to tell me he loved me.

I don't know if that is an omen or not. I hope I am not deluding myself. I hope that maybe if we do get back together, the affair is a wake up call for both of us.

Massive Life Changing Decision

I haven't posted here for a while but I need to today. I have a massive life changing decision to make and the clock is ticking away...

On Monday morning, I was having a bit of a lie in. I tend to treat a Monday morning like a Sunday if I am not working as I am so busy on Sundays. Anyhow, I was sitting in bed with a mug of tea and Jeremy Kyle, not physically, but watching his programme, when there was a knock on the door. I peeped out and could see the post van up the road and the dogs were barking, so I thought it was the postie delivering a parcel or something.

I went downstairs and opened the door and there stood my husband looking a little unsure of himself. I have not seen or contacted him in over a month so I was a bit stunned. "I wanted to see if you want me to walk the dogs for you..." he said.

I let him in and we sat down together on the settee with a cup of tea. I knew instinctively something had changed inside him. He cried and said how sorry he was for what he had done and how it was a big mistake. He even got down on his knees to ask for another chance.

If it had been the month before then I would have taken him back without question, but now I was in a different head space. Now, I considered myself a single woman who was about to go through a divorce and had no idea what the future might hold. I had even got myself signed up on a dating website or two and had a couple of potential dates in the pipeline.

To be honest, I didn't know how to react. We spoke about what had happened and it transpired, like I guessed it would, that this 'big love affair' he'd had with the other woman had fizzled out. They both eventually realised they were not compatible. I could have told him that to begin with. I did actually. The night I found out about the affair. He had only known her three weeks. I'd asked him then if he even knew if she played Scrabble [his favourite board game]. He replied that he hadn't a clue. Turned out she didn't play and wasn't interested in playing. It also turned out she was the type of person who spent most of her time cleaning and tidying the house. The total opposite to me. I can always find something better to do with my time!

Anyhow, I made myself a little more presentable and we took the dogs for a long walk which was lovely. Then we went out for lunch and he ordered a bottle of bubbly. The night I found out about the affair was the night I should have been celebrating passing my Open University Creative Writing course, but that never happened, instead there was devastation.

I have spent the last couple of days with him and it has been lovely. Maybe it's a honeymoon period, maybe I shouldn't have let him back into my life again, I just don't know.

The clock is ticking away though. I had to contact the solicitor about getting bank statements ready etc for the court and I explained the situation. She told me they now have everything ready to send to the court and she can give me another fortnight to hold things off if I wish.

So, for now, that's what I am going to do. I am going to think long and hard about things. Do I want to experience the single life and maybe either not worry whether I have a man in it or not? Or do I take a chance on the man who is still my husband and put the brakes on the divorce?

Something good though that has come out of this is that he now seems to view me in a different light. I think the turning point for him came when a friend of his was talking about a new partner he now has in his life following a divorce. He had told my husband what a fantastic person this woman was. How she did this that and the other. And Colin said to me: It could have been you he was talking about. I thought: That person he is describing sounds like Lynette. Yet, he couldn't say that about the other woman.

My decision for now is not to make one. Well none other than to date him for now. We have been extremely close to one another for a couple of days but now he has to go back to his mothers to sleep on a mattress on the floor for a couple of days. I can't allow him to move back into my life properly until I am sure.

He caused me such heartache. There were certain times when I felt like throwing myself off the viaduct. I'm not sure I would really have done that, but I pictured myself standing there and jumping off to get out of the pain I felt. Then I would think: "No, you can't do that. Your children need you. Your mother needs you. Your clients need you." There were times when I felt extreme anger and I preferred that as it motivated me to keep going to press ahead with a divorce and think of number one.

The saddest part for me is that he chose to go off with another woman when we had just celebrated our 25th Silver Wedding anniversary. Now the memories are tainted. All the pictures have been deleted from my phone and computer, the lovely silver frame my mother bought containing two smiling youngsters on their wedding day, has gone to the charity shop. I didn't want any reminders any more. I even posted the wedding album to him the day I first contacted the solicitor.

I felt he threw away a thirty year relationship for someone he had known for three weeks. It was a relationship that had no substance to it, no roots or foundation. He was dazzled by another woman, completely under her spell.

The hardest things I had to hear were that he had told her our marriage was already over. Funny, one of us never realised it. The other, that when they broke up by mutual agreement, neither was upset. Neither had thought enough of the relationship to really care, but the selfish pair had wrought devastation in the lives of others.

The children and I had to live with the fall out, while that pair were in a fantasy bubble for a couple of months. Now he realises what he might have lost. Now he realises he never put me first and if he wants to keep me he is going to have to do that.

He has booked us in for couples' counselling early next week which I think will be a positive thing whether we stay together or not. I'd like to know why in his mind he thought our relationship was dead when he says at the time of the Silver Wedding he was not unhappy and I felt we were getting along better than ever. Why he felt the need to be out so much drinking with his friends until 1.00 in the morning sometimes before he even began his affair with her. And why he hadn't the guts to talk to me about things.

Maybe for once, I will get to live on that pedestal. Or maybe I will chose to carry on living a single life for some time where I will put myself first.

One thing I know for sure, I am a strong person. I'm a survivor and in the end the decision I make will be for myself and my own well being.

I'll keep you posted...

Following My Yellow Brick Road

I received a copy of the divorce petition last Friday and it hit me for six. Seeing it all in black and white, the date and the name of the church where we were married in 25 years ago, was hard. I've been even more up and down than usual this past few days.

Today I had to call back to the solicitors to check over the petition and make any necessary amendments before it's filed to the court.

I have heard that my soon-to-be ex has admitted that he's not particularly any happier with this new woman. Perhaps that only goes to show that all along this had more to do with HIM than ME. I felt inadequate at first as if I had somehow failed at this marriage. Perhaps I wasn't pretty enough, not smart enough, didn't try hard enough. But no, what it boils down to is that he put his own feelings ahead of mine.

Well, if and when, he realises he has made a HUGE mistake, I won't tell him, "I told you so." I'll be too busy getting on with the rest of my life to care.

I am finding that there are an awful of of new opportunties and friends crossing my yellow brick road at the moment. Maybe when I get to the Land of OZ I will realise that I always had the power to be the person I wanted to be all along.

A couple of things

First off, I got so near and yet so far with my story that was almost accepted for publication by That's Life! Fast Fiction. I got this reply, which is encouraging of course, but it would have been a huge boost to me right now if it had got accepted:

Thank you for sending us your story. While it was not found suitable on this occasion for That's Life! Fast Fiction, we thought you may find it encouraging to know that it did make our shortlist.

The shortlist is reserved for manuscripts of the highest quality that we believe could be suitable for publication.

We look forward to readng any other manuscripts you wish to send us.

Suppose I should be glad though as it's the best rejection I have ever had.

****

I went to the solicitor to begin divorce proceedings this week. I had given my husband a good month to see if he wanted to come back. I didn't beg him to return during that time, but neither had I fully closed the door on him. The final straw came last week when I asked him how much percentage wise did he want a divorce. He replied, "10%." This baffled me. I thought in my head that maybe this was because he really wanted to save the marriage, and foolishly I thought it was a pride thing. I even offered to go for couples' counselling with him while he is still seeing the other woman [even if this was a with a view to bringing about closure on the relationship].

He agreed he would book the counselling the following day.

However, it became evident by the evening of the next day [a Friday] that he hadn't bothered to book it and in his job he could have got us a quick appointment. All sorts of excuses were made like the fact he hadn't started work until 1 pm. Staff Health was closed etc.

It was at that point I realised he had no intention of booking it at all. It was a Friday and the following week he was due to go away to play bowls in Scotland.

It also dawned on me that the reason he was saying he only wanted a divorce 10% was because of the cost to himself, not because he wanted to save our relationship.

He has practically been rubbing my nose in things. I received last month's bank statement earlier this week and he has been showing all his whereabouts like when he took the other woman and her son bowling, trips to Llanelli, where he's been shopping, etc. I believe all of this is to cause me pain. In fact, he shouldn't have removed any money last month from the account because originally he cleaned it out and then because I complained, he replaced half of it. It is our main account for day-to-day life and direct debits.

I don't understand why he wants to hurt me so much. If he'd had to remove money he could have just made withdrawals without my knowledge of what they were for.

On Tuesday I saw a solicitor and wheels are in motion. The future scares me, but what would scare me even more is spending the next twenty five years with a man who cares so little for me.

I have my favourite quotation by the side of my computer and it has got me through some tough times over the years:

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens: but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." ~ Helen Keller

I don't know where my open door is at the moment, but it's got to be out there somewhere...

Good news at last

Whoo hoo! Some good news at last. Just got an email from That's Life [Fast Fiction] Magazine Australia [their sister mag to Take a Break], to say one of my short stories has been short listed for publication! Doesn't mean it will definitely be published -- but it's the first time one has ever been short listed. Fingers crossed X

Angel Story # 2

It was the Millennium year just before Christmas. I was on the approach to my fortieth birthday. I experienced a real mid-life crisis at that time. I don’t know why. Nothing was really wrong, but I felt like running away from my life and everything I knew.

On the 22nd of December, I went out for a family meal at a local restaurant. My mother presented me with a lovely birthday cake and had invited my brother and favourite uncle along as a surprise. Following the meal, the candles were lit and I blew them out. I remember feeling blessed that the people who meant most to me in life were there. We went home and I thought nothing much more about it.

The following day, I was watching a Christmas movie in my bedroom, one I had never seen before called ‘One Magic Christmas’.

There were so many similarities in it to my own life. The wife in the story never got the Christmas present she asked Father Christmas for as a child which was a Mr Potato Head. I had remembered writing a similar letter to him on Christmas and never got the present I asked for either, which was a Sindy Doll. So I could relate to this tale very well.

It transpired that the wife in the movie had a guardian angel named, Gideon. That was odd, I had always thought mine had the same name too.

I watched the film and enjoyed it and was about to get up to get ready to go out as we were due to deliver a Christmas present to my husband’s grandmother at her nursing home. Then I spotted it. A small Mr Potato Head on the cupboard in the bedroom. That was strange, I hadn’t remembered seeing my children play with one of those before. I knew that I certainly had not bought them one. So I asked my daughter did she know anything about it. She replied that yes, she did. A man had come up to her on the way out of the restaurant where my birthday celebration was being held and placed it in her hand. She had no idea who the man was. I assumed perhaps it was a member of staff.

Then later that day as we parked up at the nursing home and I got out of the car, I noticed a small white feather stuck to window on the passenger side where I had been sitting. That really made me wonder.

I related that tale to my daughter just last week and she found it incredible. She doesn’t remember being given that toy. I asked her if there were other times when we went to the restaurant when members of staff gave children small toys after their meals, and she said that as far as she was aware, they have never given toys to children.

Not long after that, my emotions settled down and I no longer felt as though I wanted to run away from life. Whatever happened, I can’t explain. Maybe they were all bizarre coincidences, but maybe not…

I've got my excuse!

Okay, now I have my excuse to buy a pair of Jimmy Choos. I said, I think it was in my last but one post, that I would buy a pair for a special occasion. Well, now it's arrived. I passed my Open University A215 course! I suppose that is excuse enough.

Then maybe I will buy a bag like this to go with the shoes:
But I am only dreaming...sigh, the JCHOO bag and shoes would cost a whopping £835.50 altogether! The bag is onsale and is usually almost £1000! The shoes aren't on sale and are £358.00! Probably much more than the price of my entire shoe collection. An obscene amount of money really. Mind you, there are so many high street stores selling similar goods for a fraction of the price these days, I don't know if it is worth the bother to buy the real thing. Unless, it really would make me feel better to know I am sporting designer goods.

Knowing my luck one of the heels would get wedged in a crack in the pavement in no time!